The sense of being one nation and culture has been dissolving for years. Many have commented on how it can become dangerous if we keep reacting and pushing each other’s buttons. It’s important to look at the most basic human needs at work here: the fear of loss and the pain of being misunderstood is what we defend at such times. Finding a way forward together will take a commitment to seeking to understand as well as seeking to be understood. Listening needs to be just as important as defending a position. In a land that prides itself for the value of liberty, why would we think it’s acceptable to outvote and thus control and constrain others? That’s not what any of us find acceptable for ourselves.

It sometimes seems the direction we are going in the United States is toward increased state rights and a less relevant national government. A title of a recent book comes to mind: The Untied States of America. This type of self-sorting could be devastating in some ways, but if we keep going tribal, it might be necessary or inevitable.

If we become estranged, separated, things that are not too important could go well. It could allow red states, blue states, yellow states (Arizona), and green states (Oregon), to hold to their unique vision and nature regardless of strong external opposition. Maybe this could lead to a trial-and-error of solutions, which could be better than gridlock. The unique perspective of each of these party stances should ideally be integrated, but integration seems impossible for now. Our deepest values should not be sacrificed for a superficial type of union, certainly not for drumming up a common enemy or winner-takes-all mandate that doesn’t address the real rifts.

As a court-rostered mediator, I have seen times when a seemingly intractable conflict gives way to tolerance. Eventually curiosity opens us in a way that we learn something new and therefore reach a sense of important discovery. Could holding a view of that potential help us accept that others likely have a valid point of view underneath the simplified and ugly spin that some opponents put on it?

We can learn about and celebrate the good intentions in those with different views, we can be more open in expressing our own intentions. The political situation can only thrive if we reach a win-win or truce. The opposition each side feels has roots in our own judgment of others. A change in mindset can transform hate and fear into a constructive solution focus.